Planet X
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Editor's note: Members of the Prop Wash Gang participate in an extremely active forum at Yahoo.com. This forum has been active since 1997 and, over the years, the response by many members to any given subject is somewhat predictable.
In recent news ( ~July 2005 ) a 10th planet was discovered. Our resident master of prose and poet laureat, Bill Mahan, decided that rather than wait for the members to comment on the subject, he would save everyone a great deal of time and effort by supplying everyone's comments in one simple message.
Here is that message:
Naturally we all have our commentary on the subject, so to save the time of having to read all the e-mails, I have summarized them for all our active members:
GENE WILLARD: Evidence shows that the Bush Administration lied to the American public about the existence of the new planet and used false intelligence to make a case for sending US forces there to secure American oil interests. (When it was pointed out that the american forces would have no way to return to Earth, Donald Rumsfeld said, "You make do with the equipment you have."
STREAK: The planet was always there, but the liberals deliberately kept it a secret and the liberal media was a willing co-conspirator. Just give it a little time. I guarantee you that we'll find Saddam's WMD there. And if we don't it means he snuck them across space into Pluto. Here's the article from NewsMuck.
GEORGE MONTAGUE: If the people continue to elect Teddy Kennedy we will never discover all the other planets in our solar system. None of this would have happened if the Supreme Court wasn't always making new laws of gravity. Damn lawyers!
SKIP DEROUSSE: Did you see what Kelso said about it? Here's a photo of my crab apple trees. They're crabbier than usual this year. I think it's the heat. It's been a hundred and thirty six all week.
BUD ROSENSTROM: I'm not a liberal. I just tell it like it is. Bush and the Administration should be held accountable for not telling the American public that there was something in outer space besides the moon and the cow jumping over it.
ERNIE PASCHAL: You had to be there to know the true story. Let's just say that I know from personal experience that the Administration acted very responsibly in discovering the new planet.
JON GWINN: We would have known about the new planet a lot sooner if Bill Gates had done a better job programming Windows. Barry Goldwater would roll over in his grave if he saw what the neocons have done to his astronomy. I wonder what cheap wines they have there.
MIKE GEHRI: Could you define "neocon."
JOHN ARMINTROUT: Sure Bush was overly aggressive in announcing that there was a new planet, but we really had no choice. It was out there for a long time and the UN did nothing about it. We were justifired because it was emitting light upon US forces during periods of military lights-out.
BIG JOHN DEAVER: I'm just happy that we discovered it when we did. A few weeks later an I would have been on a US Navy garbage scow en route there. Now here's what's on the History Channel.
MATTHEW PEEK: The (censored) has (censored) its historical (censored) and (censored) (censored) (censored). I'll ask my wife. She's a lawyer. Right now I've got to rebuild the kickstand for my classic Glock motorcycle.
CHUCK WILCOX: We have had lots of calls about the new planet's aliens showing up here in Florida. It seems that just because someone has dark purple skin, wears a glowing snake on his head, and speaks in electronic beeps they think they're aliens. We have to check them all out. Most of them are just teenagers. You see a lot worse in South Park.
LARRY LANE: Do they have any bees there?
HARFORD FIELD: I'd rather be in Texas, but can I collect cleaning fees from those aliens?
BOB COPE: For those of you that flew over the newly discovered planet in C-130A models, here's the VA's latest position on disability benefits resulting from exposure to Agent Zgwlp and the resulting planetitus of the ear. According to the VA the condition must be fatal for you toreceive any benefits.
RICK FRANCONA: The Arabic name of the new planet comes from the pre-Koran era of Sal-Ah-Mi who merged his forces with Sahn-Du-Ich to form the Suh-Bway nation. The planet's name in Arabamaic (very similar to Alabamastanian but without the "Y'all's.") is Ali-Ahn-Plah-Neht. Here's a photo of me and Linda Carter.
LONNIE HENDERSON: I hope the astronayut they send there is named Custer. Personally I'm going back to defending Mars (The Red Planet) so we can put an out-of-this-world-class casino there.
TOM TENANT: If memory serves, we first flew there out of Atlantis in a Wright-1 Orville was the a/c, Wilbur the nav and Joan Rivers was the stewardess. In the backend we had Dave Blazell as AMS and a bunch of jeeps. Blazer threw all of the jeeps out of the plane after about six minutes. they put him in for a Cingrassional Medal of Honor for that, but USAFSS downgraded it to a gold star on his PMFR.
RON KRIEGEL: I think I'll just stay in Springpatch.
LUKE LAUREL: Keine theme.
JACK (not H): If there are any aliens there bring them here. My alligator's hungry and i've run out of noisy neighbor kids and snowbirds.
JACK (not R): It appears to have an inhhospitable surface, very cold, damp and windy. Makes me think of England.
BUTCH MOORE: I will not be baited. Bless its little heart.
RANDY SEITER: How high are the taxes there? Any governement regulations?
JOE BISSETT: Zaida will have flowers delivered there if anyone wants. And I will research the alien geneology. If you're not interested it's a pinko Commie liberal conspiracy in the Democratic ZParty to keep us from having guns to protect ourselves from those pinko commie liberal aliens. Thank God Charlton heston is here to protect us.
WES KELLY: This discovery was the result of the use of a zwingtor telescope with a bardeshau lens mounted on a drammanti platform. I worked with one of the designers a few years ago and he said that the principles of glynecstra are not fully understood yet, but their application in a merinsic environment can produce klypteristic results. Right now most of the work is being done in the private sector with the bulkl of the contracts being held by Mattel. If you look at the waholcrams in the grismandiblex . . .
LARRY TART: My conversations with the powers at Fort Meade tell me that they may be prepared to put up a memorial to Hillary Clinton and Jane Fonda on the new planet if they are willing to relocate there.
SOPPY CRESAP: I wouldn't mind having the next GAG gathering there, but someone is going to have to bring the beer. And scotch.
VAL MANES: Who cares if there's a new planet. They don't have a mountain with Presidents or a motorcycle convention. when they do. I'll consider it habitable.
LARRY PRALL: I don't want to get into an argument about this but . . .
ED KOHLER: Please stop calling it a huge chunk of worthless matter.
BROWSER BOB: There are unconfirmed reports that a cloven-winged plaid-bellied buzzard was sighted there by some birders out of Idaho.
BIGBOBBER DONAN: What does Chuck have to say about those JBT's of his killing those birders from Idaho? I'd go there personally but that planet looks too much like Estherville.
BILLANDMARTHA: From california where rhe Busvh Admnistrmtion diod a gruat jorb of getring theer, but they just didn't planet very well.
Bill Mahan