Horrible Horace & The Crop Squash Gang
|
|
Editor's note: This tale isn't going to make much sense to anyone who doesn't read the daily PWG traffic at yahoogroups.com. It will make the most sense to those who read "full take" on a daily basis. That is, there are quite a few "inside jokes" here.
From: "Joe Bissett"
Subject: Organic Weed Killer
It's the new terror movie from Wuss Craven.
A crazed San Antonio resident, a mild mannered flower shop owner known as Horace The Florist becomes enraged at the proliferation of marijuana in her city and goes on a deadly mission to eradicate it and all it's users.
Assuming the male identity of Horrible Horace she becomes known as the Organic Weed Killer in the main stream media for her penchant for castrating her victims. On the street, she is known as the On-Off Killer, a short form of "On Weed? Whacker Off!"
Horrible Horace goes on a rampage against the marijuana users and their drug with his florist shop pruning shears. When he is done with the potheads, no more pot, no more head. In the beginning the citizenry looked away as he did his terrible deeds. (In the uncensored version of the 1936 movie, Babe Bennett (Jean Arthur) did Longfellow Deeds [Gary cooper, who turned out to be not so terrible after all.])
After a while Jose Average in San Antonio realized that all this killing of marijuana users was putting the agriculture and importing businesses in jeopardy. Besides that, the local high schools, colleges and universities were running out of students and not getting any more government money.
Horrible Horace seemed to agree with George and made sure that no student was left behind. At least not alive and smoking. But, Horrible Horace also had his supporters who were glad to see the disappearance of marijuana from their city.
This group of recce wrecks was known as the Crop Squash Gang, a group of vege-lantes who believed that the only legal agricultural products should be made from malt, barley and hops. The group had been fighting the marijuana problem for many years with no success as beating a dead horse seemed to have no effect. Nor did attacking with puns. This was clearly a job for the Feds and their quick response team known as Jiffy Lib. Washington dispatched their most glamorous resident, Celery Hinton. Who did you expect? FannyFoxe? She told the media that she was not going to land with her feet running. She had no intention--at least not now--of running. Nor did she want the trots or even jog her memory. all in all she was amble-invent. She arrived alone and assured them that catching Horrible Horace would be done at no cost to them. If she hadn't seen a bill in years, there was no reason for them to either. So it became an even battle of wit. Combined they only added up to one wit.)
The Jiffy Libs of Celery Hinton versus the Horrible Horace and the Crop Squash Gang. The war escalated quickly. Celery brought in 160,000 foot soldiers (a strategy she learned from George.), But it didn't work. (She should have paid attention to George.) Then she brought in the Navy. Two carrier groups, a few nuclear submarines and the Staten island Ferry to give her home state some work. Pretty son the River Walk was side-to-side gray paint and bell bottoms. Next they tried calling the Air Force. The Air Force couldn't come. They were too busy designing new uniforms for the First Air Force, which now encompassed the entire Air Force.
The Crop Squash Gang insisted that they needed real intelligence. Celery Hinton agreed. The Crop Squash Gang did need some intelligence. However, in the fight against marijuana, there was no way they were going to use something called Rivet Joint. How were they going to stop Horrible Horace from destroying the marijuana and castrating the users. He was attacking willy-nilly. (Or was that just attacking willies?) Finally an old--very old--Indian came up with a solution. they called all the motor pools that still had the original general purpose vehicles in their inventories and had them sent to San Antonio.
It was a complete success. Horrible Horace couldn't stand having all those jeeps nearby and fled to a forest of family trees, never to terrorize anyone ever again. To his credit he also never got into Celery's genes either. The movie ends on a happy note. Horrible Horace learns that he is really a Kennedy and spends the rest of his years drunk. As for the potheads with no pot, they all switched to rabbit turds and lived angrily ever after except in October.
The Title of the movie? I thought you'd never ask. Shitty Shitty Bong Bong.
From California where Bisset has already paid me off for making fun of Horrible Horace and not Low Blow Joe.